The Satan Diaries (Memoirs)

(as translated by several language scholars and experts in ancient slang)

edited by John DeBellis

Although the manuscript is titled, The Satan Diaries, our scholars have concluded that The Satan Diaries are more like a memoir than a diary. In fact in Satan’s introduction he tries to explain the hybrid.

SATAN’S PROLOGUE

“During my time in Heaven I started jotting down notes. I had pieces of stone everywhere. God hadn’t given the idea of making paper to humans yet. I almost lost a finger several times using that ancient chisel, thus my early notes originally lacked detail. After paper was finally given to me, which took a few hundred years longer, since by then my climate was combustible, an unburnable kind wasn’t invented till much later, I went in and filled in some thoughts and details. Hopefully, you’ll read this and say, “You know that Satan, for the absolute epitome of evil is not such a bad guy.”

BOOK ONE

PERIOD ONE (At this point there were no days, nights, time and thankfully a Sabbath yet. Ah, the good old days).

I’m God’s favorite angel, the first, the best, the brightest, a handsome devil, if you excuse the play on words. Even, now, after being tossed out of heaven into, and I’m not exaggerating, an inferno, without even a fan, an open window, or even an ice tea, for almost six thousand years I’m still considered a hunk (although a tad crispy). And it’s not just the tan. I have a great set of straight pointy horns, which indicates good breading, a long lively provocative tail, powerful (all weather) wings and hoofed feet that at the time made quite the fashion statement. Being immortal and not aging does help one look several millenniums younger.

God, for someone who claims to have always been, always would be and is all powerful, I feel is your classic underachiever. What had he done so far? He made a bunch of faggy goody-two shoes angels, and gave us a million miles of nothing to live in, (with zip to do except worship him), a few tall rocks (his the biggest of course) to perch on with no padding, pillows, or one that vibrates, and constant elevator music, with way too much harp. A billion years later some skinny kids from London wrote some real music, this beautiful sensitive love song to me, “Sympathy For The Devil.” If I ever do speaking engagements it will be my theme song. Between us, since I heard it, I’ve lowered the flames on Brian Jones.

Back to old Tin Ear. One day, before He actually officially invented days, (whoopee!) He got (what He calls) this flash of genius, he jumps up (almost falling off his perch) and said He was going to create a universe. What the hell is a universe! None of us had any idea what he was yapping about.

PERIOD TWO

I don’t know what he actually did to create the universe, but whatever it was, was very loud, especially to a guy with pointy ears. Then there was this bright light (almost blinded me remember this was a few million years before sun glasses) and the next thing you know, pow, there’s this huge weird looking place, (which looked like a cannibal just threw up Timothy Leary) with what he calls galaxies, planets and stars. As usual all the angles made a big deal out of it, twinkling, flapping their wings, and twanging on those annoying harps. I should wrapped a few strings around their pansy ass necks.

DAY ONE THROUGH SIX (Years haven’t been created yet, time was still a new concept that unfortunately severely effected my sleep patterns.)

So now he’s been bragging to us angel’s that he created the universe in six days. Big deal, I’m better looking, girls dig my bad boy image, and have a terrific sense of humor. You ask any angel, I’m a riot. No one does dumb Gabriel jokes better than old Lucifer, a name that sort of slides off the tongue forked or not. So what if I tossed in a few choice words that afterwards God, out of jealousy, proclaimed were curse words. Blank him!

DAY SEVEN

And what did he do on the seventh day? He rested. Rested. Bull! He passed out on His supreme ass! We played harps into each ear and I stuffed feathers up His nose and still we couldn’t wake him. I almost tied His ugly fungus infested feet (with huge big toes that looked like two breaed sea lions, a genetic trait he inherited from himself)together before a few brown halloed angels stopped me.

DAY EIGHT TO TEN

Okay, so now He’s got this huge eye-sore of a universe that just sitting there taking up space for a million years or so. Talk about self-indulgent.

So today, for some dumb reason, Mr. Always Was was really fixated on this dumpy planet called earth. By now, I’ve been around God for quite for a few billion years so I know when He gets frustrated. He starts wildly picking at his eyebrows, as if they weren’t bushy enough. So before he can have another one of his little tamper tantrums and makes an angel or two explode or disappear, (even though He’ll never admit it), I suggested that he make some creatures. (I made up that name up on the spot and made him think he thought of it, which isn’t hard to do with a monster ego like His.)

In His haste, He creates all these animals, weird smelly things, some of them without rhyme or reason like the platterpus (finally a name that made sense). The minute they were created half of them start eating the other half and God’s all smiles. And they call me the devil. Give me a break.

Anyway, big surprise, a few days later he decides he’s going to make a very special creature, a human being (why he named it with such stupid sounding words I have no idea), a man in His image. Another ego trip. And to tell you the truth, none of us even knew or cared that God was a man, like it really mattered up here. None of us was getting any!

Years after human beings inhabited the earth, one of my snitches told me God wound up making dinosaur bones and hiding them around the planet so it didn’t look like he mistakenly left the earth empty so long.

DAY ELEVEN

Again, always the showman, instead of just snapping His fingers or thinking of what He wants, He makes the guy from a piece of dust, and then He pretends to breath life into Him. We’ll talk about God’s eternity breath later.

* Note: Against my wishes my editor (who hasn’t seen the last of me) insisted that I capitalize God and any pronouns referring to Him.

I hate to burst your bubble, but for a deity who’s supposed to be all knowing, sometimes He can be a brain dead putts, as His chosen people would say. I mean what was He thinking? He creates the what He calls The Garden Of Eden, this lush patch of earth (not a weed or dog crap anywhere), roughly and acre and half, with the brightest, roundest, juiciest apples, you’d ever seem (I’d never seen or heard of one before but upon retrospect I stand on my first impression), where He puts this young good looking guy He just created (a dog compared to me), who He calls Adam. With all the names available He picks a simple two-syllable word that sounds more like a Buddist chant. The Buddhists arrived on earth a few thousand years later and boy were they a dull foul smelling ugly bunch. Talk about obsessive.

So now He’s got Adam, who for some stupid reason He gave hormones to (I don’t even want to get into what they are), all alone and naked, which Adam’s too dumb to even realize, sitting in this out door bachelor pad with nothing to do, bored out of his mind. Even if he was made dumber than he was, which even God couldn’t do, he couldn’t occupy his micro dot brain by watching things grow, because God, as usual, made things perfect already, so there’s was no upside, nothing to see change. I hate to shine my own horn, but I'm the first one who ever said this: absolute power corrupts absolutely! (Which in hell is a good thing!)

FIVE THOUSAND AND DAY ONE

So our genius Captain Cosmos, gets an idea, a good one for a change. He decides to create a broad, a chick, a dame, or as they say in your bible, (talk about propaganda), a woman. Now, why our Supreme being, as He likes to also call Himself, who can make a galaxy from squat has to use the poor guy’s rib to make her, is a question, even if He was still talking to me, He wouldn’t be able to answer. Personally, I think he wanted to be seen as some kind of majestically bohemian street artist (although we didn’t have streets in heaven. Who walked when you could fly?).

But I got to give the Old Dog credit, he’s got taste, even though I’d never seen a broad before, Eve, (yeah, another creative name) was a real knockout (And I’ve seen some, excuse the pun, hot ones in hell, extremely friendly, if you get my drift). Even for a guy with my class I felt like knocking her out and dragging her into a cave (that was way before there were motels). Everything about her was, as He likes to brag - perfect. Again He makes the mistake of giving her hormones, or maybe they were left over from the rib job.

Now they’re both hanging out there, naked (and she was stacked, she had a set on her that even back then they asked if they were real), which neither of the idiots notice. Most of the time they just sat there like two lumps on a log. I mean they didn’t even have a language, they sounded like two seals honking at each other. (I don’t get the point of seals. They’re pretty good swimmers, but why did He ever make them breathe air and live on rocks, he put fins where feet are supposed to be, it’s got to hurt just getting up to pee in the morning. And then he makes them talk like a baritone duck. I don’t even want to get into penguins.)

Then God decides to make some rules. He’s always got rules. Once a control freak always a control freak. First off, he calls the tree with the apples, The Tree Of Knowledge Of Good And Evil. Corny! Come on you’re God, you could have been more creative, called it the Joshua Tree, the Chrysler building, the Eiffel Tower, or the The Green Monster, or even Plato’s Retreat (an idea I picked up from the Greeks and gave to some human in exchange for his soul and several others that I had to wash before I tossed their smelly asses in my inferno).

God tells, and I quote, “his kids” that they are forbidden to eat the fruit from the tree or they will die. God’s all knowing, so He should have figured out human nature. If He would have listened to me, I would have warned him.

Now, God since He created the earth has been taking more time off. Making the universe took more out of him, which he’d never admit to, as if He’d admit to anything. According to Him He’s never made a mistake. He even claims no responsibility for the Republican party. Every time He does something wrong His excuse is (He’s always referring to Himself in the third person) “God works in mysterious ways.” Talk about one excuse fits all.

So, when The Boss (He hates being called that) decides to take His little siesta, He tells me to watch His kids. I’m an arch angle, the number one wing man, not His personal baby sitter. But what choice do I have, He’s God, so, I’m watching and nothing’s happening. The two don’t know what to do with each other, and they don’t realize it yet, but every time they look at an apple I can hear their stomachs rumbling. So I figure that these creatures haven’t eaten since they’ve been created. God didn’t even put water out for them.

Now I decide to have a little fun, so, I made myself look like a serpent, God was too high flatulent to use the word snake. And for some reason God threw a couple of them in the Garden Of Eden, maybe to keep down the rat population. The only time He explains himself it’s to brag.

Adam and Eve aren’t getting along very well and she wonders off by herself. I’m waiting there, all curled up in a tree, and when she walks bye I talk to her. I didn’t quack like a duck or honk like seal, I did my God impression. His voice is actually pretty high pitched and nasally (kind of feminine, there’s been rumors about Him for the last few billion of years), but still I’m got your Lord down to a T. Which has served me well in my future subterranean endeavors. Mosses, unbless his soul still believes the burning bush was God. I’ll give you a hint Mosses, Burning Bush, Fire! Didn’t that ring a bell!

Anyway (trying not to stare at her rack), I tell Eve that this apple is amazing stuff, just one bite and she’ll feel like she’s a princess, which draws a blank. Then I tell her she’ll feel like she’s in heaven, still nothing but empty face, but the salesman in me convinces her that chewing is quite attractive (as if she knew what attractive means. With broads it doesn’t matter as long as it sounds like a compliment).

If any one can be a chauvinist, the devil can. So she opens them luscious lips, and he starts to chew like she never ate before, which she hadn’t. Adam who returns, not for her, but because the dummy actually is lost, sees her chewing on the thing. Now in the bible it says that she offered him a bite. The truth is he grabbed the thing out of her mouth and ate it pits and all. I don’t know what was in that apple but finally they both notice that they’re buck naked, and the broad for some reason screams, (I’d learn to like that sound in the coming years) and they cover themselves up with leaves. Although Eve still showed some nice cleavage. I would have tossed in a little poison ivy, that would gotten some laughs from my angel buddies. Now God wakes up! First thing He does is look at His little paradise, notices what’s going on and explodes. And as usual He didn’t get my quirky sense of humor.

I’ve never seen The Big Guy so mad, once or twice He blew His stack when I wouldn’t bow down to Him. But this was a real temper tantrum. He lifts His rod in the air, I thought he was going to hit Adam and Eve with it (I would have liked to have seen that, I bet she would have enjoyed a spanking), instead the sky opened up and lightening hits the tree almost cooking my snake ass. Besides calling them a few choice names, He tosses them out on their butts. He tells the broad that she’s going to give birth to babies, which I correctly took to mean that small human beings would come out of her (at the time I didn’t know where they would emerge from and certainly think they’d come out that ugly), and that she’d be in great pain (duh!). He tells Adam that he’d have to get a job. Here I think God was getting ahead of himself and realized it and then explained that he’d have to grow fruits, vegetables and stuff to eat. (He never once offered a loan) And they were banished.

God, who claims to be so tough, didn’t have the nerve to tell them how they would make babies, so I being ever so observant I figured it out, it was a matter of inadvertently being pointed by Adam in the right direction, if you get my devilish drift. As Adam left I whispered the facts of life to him. “God wasn’t all bad,” he whispered back to me with a smile on his face. Bad brains, good hormones.

God, of course, cursed the serpent and made him crawl and eat dust (compared to the burnt food in hell would have been a delicacy), which was okay because by then I had substituted a real serpent and was long gone. Unfortunately I didn’t get very far.

I don’t know which Angle ratted on me. But God got in my face (Mr. Perfect never brushes his teeth or gargles so after a few million years of morning breath I was ready to pass out). He said I was blasphemous, which back then was worst then being called unpatriotic or week on defense. In truth He scared me half to death, which isn’t easy if you’re an immortal. When He stopped shouting. I gave him my sad feel sorry for Lucifer act, a little cowering, bowed head, wings over the eyes, but he wasn’t buying it. I even tried a couple of dumb Polish angel jokes. Next thing I know He grabs me by the throat and tosses me completely out of heaven. And even more surprising was that He heaved me with his left hand (although he threw like a sissy)!

I must have fell a few million feet. The way God was shouting at me I couldn’t wait to hit the ground. He ranted on and on, yelling out new orders. And I’m paraphrasing now but He said something like “You’re an %@@$!%$# **&&*$&&% ^%#$%^%& *&^%$#^&&%% and *%&$#@%&.” He knew his way around profanity, let me tell you. He also said, that I would remain in Hell, with a few of my angel buddies, who shall from hence forth, (He actually used those words), would be called demons. He also gave them names which honestly I can’t remember and don’t really give a damn, I never really liked any of them. For some laughs every once in a while I toss one inside some human.

More importantly I was to be known as the Devil, Shaitan, Satan (my personal favorite), Abbadon, Angra Mainyu, Asmodai, Beelzebub (my least favorite, believe me no one calls me that in hell), Lucifer (my stage name), Belial, Iblis and Milhouse. God, said that my gig was to lure souls away from him by making humans sin (if He only knew how easy my job was going to be, especially with Parisians) and that their punishment would be to spend 11 months to eternity or longer with me, which could’ve been a lot of laughs, if it wasn’t for the burning part, supposedly 70 times hotter than fire on earth, now with global warming it’s only 45 times hotter. If I can keep influencing corporations and help elect more leaders like Dick Chaney, pretty soon I can see Hell being a vacation spot.

Besides giving me a migraine headache, halfway down God stuck two horns in my head, which might explain the head ache, and by the time I landed, my wings, which lost their feathers and now looked like two halves of a broken umbrella, kept me from falling flat on my handsome face. I had grown a long pointy tail (which I still don’t have any use for except as a book mark) and cloven feet (which are difficult to find clogs that fit). Just as I was dusting myself off a pitchfork landed near bye, accompanied by God’s derisive laughter, which was intensified by the echoing (He uses the echo, to cover up His sissy voice and a slight lisp).

Being the devil has its good points. I can be rude, petty, and out right disgusting (disemboweling is a party favorite) without apologizing, or issue a signing statement or say (in a German accent), “ I was just following orders!” Not to mention the perks. I get to talk humans into doing bad stuff like, stealing (especially from helpless seniors and starving survivors of a tsunami), adultery (a personal favorite), murder(the more the merrier), eating their fellow man (fresh, frozen and with or without utensils), making cheap toys in China, and God hate me, inventing HMO’s! Of course, humans have done stuff on their own that I wouldn’t be able to think of without vomiting myself inside out! Which is great, since I get all the credit!

Now, a lot of former angles would look around see all the hot molten stone, the lava, and the out of control fires and would get a little down in the dumps, and think why me? Not old Satan here, ah, uh. I don’t see the glass half full or half empty I just see boiling water that I can throw in someone’s face.